Effective discipline for children

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GUIDING PRINCIPLES FOR DEALING W/ CHALLENGING BEHAVIOR IN CHILDREN (works with adults too)

By Diane Webb

1. Challenging behavior is a form of communication. Think in terms of what the individual may be trying to communicate (often they don’t know themselves).
2. Discipline and consequences are designed to teach something. Ask yourself what you want to teach & the best way to teach it.
3. An incident requiring a disciplinary consequence is an opportunity to teach as many things as we can. In other words, try to fold as much as possible into the consequence (kill as many birds as you can with the stone).
4. Discipline does not have to punish or hurt to be effective. The best consequences do not hurt or punish but preserve dignity & respect.
5. Avoid power struggles at all costs. This leads to more negative behavior.
6. Never implement a discipline or consequence when angry or upset.
7. As a rule, it’s best to think an incident through before determining a discipline or consequence. Therefore, avoid giving a punishment or consequence on the spot.
8. Exception—An incident violating the rights of another individual needs to be dealt with on-the-spot (at least verbally). Diffuse the situation first and you can always wait until later to discuss the consequence.
9. Be flexible. If one thing does not work “try another way”. There is always more than one way to handle a situation and many of them can be effective.
10. It’s OK to “let it go” as long as it’s clear you are consciously making the decision to do so. If you “let it go” get the individual to come up with their own consequence for future use “if it happens again”. It’s a good idea to get them to write out their agreement to abide by the consequence they came up with “if it happens again.”
11. “Letting it go” is golden opportunity to discuss the problem, make plans to eliminate the problem & develop an action plan for future infractions.
12. Never use the same discipline twice with the same individual if it wasn’t effective the first time.
13. It’s OK to use different methods with different people. Don’t fall for the “it’s not fair” trap. Let them know it doesn’t have to be fair, only appropriate. Life generally isn’t fair so it’s best not to encourage the belief that things HAVE to be fair. The “it must be fair” concept will cause a host of psychological & relational problems in the long run. You can say, “it would be nice if things were fair but often they aren’t so you may as well learn to deal with it.”
14. Use what works and stop using what doesn’t work.
15. Out think them; don’t try to out-will them.
16. Be creative.
17. Use humor as much as possible. Humor works especially well with people who are naturally oppositional. (Never make fun of or tease the individual).
18. Use the dynamics of group process to your advantage. Process the incident with the group (you don’t have to use names—this is referring to when you are working with a group of children)
19. Never use shame, guilt, humiliation, threats, intimidation (either directly or by implication).
20. Be as positive as possible. Remind the individual of several things they do well or things you like about them.
21. Communicate compassion and respect at all times.
22. Maintain dignity (the other person’s and yours)
23. Don’t take it personally. (It really isn’t about you.)
24. Know your own triggers (sore spots) and take steps to eliminate them.
25. For every one negative, point out three positives.
26. Separate the behavior from the individual—“I like you, I just don’t like what you did.”
27. Always phrase things in a way that tells the individual what they can rather than what they cannot do. (Never use the word “don’t”).
"Stop" instead of "Don’t do that"
"Walk" instead of "Don’t run"
"Get off the furniture" instead of "Don’t stand on the chair"
"Move" instead of "Don’t block the door"
"No hitting" instead of "Don’t hit"
"Hands down (or off)" instead of "Don’t touch"
28. Use the power of positive programming. (Very powerful)
“I know you’re an honest person so why do you keep lying?”
“I know you’re a nice person so why do you keep acting mean?”
“I know you aren’t really like this so let’s talk about why you keep acting this way.’
29. Ideas for discipline:
a. Essays (300 words = 1 page)
b. Chores
c. Acts of kindness
d. “Consequence jar”
e. Write Definitions
f. Research a subject
g. Book reports
h. Write a story related to the incident
i. Write a poem related to the incident
j. Write a song related to the incident (rap songs are good)
k. Write/perform a skit related to the incident
l. Work-sheets on academic or self-help subjects
m. “If you were a counselor (or parent) what would you do in this situation”
n. Community service type things (1 hour picking up trash in a park)

Fighting Fair

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KEEPING THE FOUNDATION STRONG IN SPITE OF FIGHTS by Diane Webb

(Fighting in a way that does not damage the relationship)

AVOID THE FOLLOWING:

1. Never bring up the past in a fight or argument
2. Never hit below the belt (character assassination)
3. No abuse (physical, verbal or emotional—including name calling).
4. No threats (indirect or direct)

DO MORE OF THE FOLLOWING:

1. Focus on behaviors only
2. Focus on solutions not problems
3. First understand their point of view (even if you don’t agree)
4. Look for win-win solutions
5. Look for “what’s best for the family/relationship” as a whole

The day I turned Jesus away

The day I turned Jesus away
By Diane Webb

This is a sad, shameful story but one I am led to share. I hope you can learn from my experience. This is about the day I turned Jesus away.

Several years ago, I was in private practice and worked under contract in another town 40 miles away. One evening I rushed by my private practice office on the way back from the contract office. I don’t remember why but I was in a great hurry. I stopped by the office and was scurrying around doing something very important before going to prayer group (yes--prayer group). I was taking care of the important business when there were three slow knocks at the front door. I was puzzled because there was no sign on this office and no indication it was a business--much less a counseling office.

I briskly walked into the front room and swung opened the door striking my most important looking stance. I kept one hand on the door knob and the other on my hip (to emphasize I had been interrupted).

There on the stoop was a very short, rather wide, oddly shaped, and oddly dressed woman. She was not a young woman. She was not an attractive woman. She didn’t exactly look like a bag lady although she was holding a plastic grocery store bag. Her appearance reminded me of a bag lady somehow. Her clothes were clean and neat although out of date and shapeless--a dress of some sort if I remember correctly. It was dark in color. She had one of those smooshed-looking faces. You get the picture.

As she began to speak I thought I would die (simply die) of frustration because she spoke so slowly with a strange sort of stuttering speech impediment.--“ccccccccccccccan IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII sppppppppppppeak ttttttttttttto youuuuuuuuuuuuu a mmmmmmminnnnnnnnute“? It was all I could do to wait for her to finish the sentence. Without a second thought I said, “no mama”. (Even at the time I thought it very strange she accepted this without a protest, without a change of expression, without a reaction of any kind--almost as if she already knew I was going to say that). As she began to turn I just shut the door. (Surely I did not shut the door in her face. Surely I remember waiting until she turned to go).

No sooner than the door clicked and I turned away from the door a scripture quietly walked across the busyness of my mind…..“when you have turned away any of these you have turned me away”. It hit me with an almost audible thump of my heart. I knew instantly what had just happened. I knew I had just turned Jesus away.

I swung the door back open as quickly as I could so I could hear what this wonderfully humble lady had to say to me. I was horrified and mystified to see an empty stoop. “Where is she?” I thought. “It’s only been a couple of seconds.”

I ran down the steps and down the walk. I looked far up the street to the left. I looked frantically up the street to the right. I ran all the way around the house looking in every direction. I tell you, this lady just simply disappeared. She was old, she was slow, and she was on foot. She could not have possibly walked away fast enough for me not to see her up the street. (She didn’t walk away at all now did she?)

I have heard people say they were “grieved in the heart” and before this day had not realized what that felt like. Now I know. I was grieved in my heart because I turned away Jesus. I knew I had just as sure as I knew the day of the week. For months thereafter I looked for that lady every where I went in town. Every store, every pedestrian I passed. I have never seen her again. (And this is a small town).

I will leave you with the knowledge that I did have a chance to redeem myself shortly after the day I turned Jesus away. Because of my heavy heart and because I remembered the odd old lady, I made time for someone else. Someone I would not have made time for before. Someone who normally annoyed me.

I am still struggling to become a more patient person; a more approachable person, a less busy person. It still hurts my heart to think about this lady, this day--long past but not forgotten--the day I turned Jesus away. I hope (and pray) I will never turn Jesus away again.

Amen?

Personal Declaration of Independence Day

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Personal Declaration of Independence Day

By Diane Webb

Sooner or later everyone has to have what I call a “Declaration of Independence Day”. This is when you decide from that day forward you will be free from the manipulation of others. You just simply will not respond to manipulation anymore. What a wonderful feeling to be free to finally live the life you were born to live!

You will: Make decisions based on what you believe in your heart is right

You will: Not worry as much about what others think

You will: Not always try to please others at your own expense

You will: Not care if people dislike you or talk about you

You will: Not respond to guilt trips

You will: Not worry if people think badly of you

You will: Not let people use or take advantage of you

You will: Believe you have a right to have some enjoyment, peace, and happiness

You will: Believe you are as important as anyone else

You will: Wear what you want even if it is out of style or looks really bad on you (like a purple mu-mu)

I had my “Declaration of Independence Day” on my 40^th birthday. My only regret is I waited until 40 to begin living my life, pursuing my goals, doing some of the things I enjoy, and not feeling like something was wrong with me for doing so.

My hope & prayer for you is that you too will have a “Declaration of Independence Day” and have many years to enjoy your new life!

Relationship Principles

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RELATIONSHIP PRINCIPLES

By Diane Webb

1. Accept the other person as they are (or make a decision about the relationship)

This is unconditional love & acceptance—good & bad; no strings attached

If you cannot accept them the way they are then it’s time to get out of the relationship.

2. Focus on your half of the relationship or the problem (not theirs)

Look at what you are doing (or not doing) that either sets up, reinforces or keeps the problem going on your end

3. Look at what you have control over (not what you don’t)

Change what you have the power to change; leave the rest alone; You cannot change another person

4. Try a different reaction (to break patterns)

If you reacted one way and it didn’t help; react a different way next time

Keep doing something different until you get the result you want

5. If it’s not working stop doing it

If what you’ve been doing keeps getting bad results stop doing it over and over

6. If it is working keep doing it

Pay attention to the things that do work and do more of those things

7. Show you care (3-5 x day)

Do something to show you care (no words are necessary) without expecting something in return (do not even expect a thank you or appreciation)

8. Reinforce or reward the behaviors you like

Pay attention and even the slightest good thing make sure you acknowledge & reinforce it

9. Stop reinforcing or rewarding the behaviors you dislike

Make sure you are not accidentally rewarding the thing you don’t like

(If you want him to stop asking you for tea then quit getting it for him every time he asks!)

10. Use the rule of threes (tell them twice & if it happens a 3^rd time see number 1)

The first time you are letting them know what they are doing is a problem for you (it may be a mistake on their part); the second time you remind them that you’ve already asked them to stop; the third time say nothing—it’s a pattern and this person is not going to change. Decide if you can accept the behavior or not. If not, end the relationship. Continuously bringing up the same thing over and over (after the first 2 times) is a waste of time

Suggestions to enhance sleep

TO HELP YOU SLEEP (Can also be used for general anxiety or panic attacks) by Diane Webb, LCSW

1. Focus on your breathing. Come up with two words—one for the in-breath and one for the out breath. Breathe in on word one (something you want to take in—like “rest”) and breath out on word two (something you want to release—like “tension”).
2. Count from 100 backwards by 7’s or 3’s while deep breathing.
3. Focus on a relaxing color. Breathe the color in and imagine it circulating throughout your body. Imagine the color surrounding you as well (blue is a good relaxing color to use but use any color you think will work for you).
4. Focus on a relaxing, peaceful picture in your mind. Hold that picture in your mind while deep breathing.
5. Use the ABC technique (by Diane Webb) while at the same time breathing deeply. The ABC technique: Come up with a category like names, places, food, animals, or some other category. Start with “A” and come up with three things that start with “A”. The go to “B”, come up with three that start with “B”. Continue through out the remainder of the alphabet. If you are still awake after finishing with “Z”, start over with another category. Keep starting over with a different category as long as you need to.
6. Imagine someone there with you talking to you in a calming, encouraging way (some people use God, Jesus, or an angel for this imagery). Go to sleep hearing these kind and loving words.

Hearing from someone who has died

Seeing or Hearing from people who have died
By Diane Webb

I read an article in Charisma magazine a while back that outlined what the Bible says about ghosts and spirits. What interested me in particular was the information about the spirits of loved ones visiting a family member after death (to comfort & reassure them). According to Charisma, it is Biblical for family members to visit a loved one within two weeks following death for one or two visits only. What is interesting is this information is very consistent with what many of my clients have experienced—especially children. I’m sure it happens more with adults as well but the adults are probably hesitant to share for fear of being seen as “crazy”.

I am not sure why I was led to write this today but there it is! Have a blessed Lord’s day today.

If Colors were feelings

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IF COLORS WERE FEELINGS
By Diane Webb
• Yellow would be happy
• Blue would be sad or just relaxed (depending on the shade)
• Orange would be scared or worried (or excited)
• Green would be healthy & full of life
• Black would be angry or “I just want to be left alone”
• Red would be furious or “I feel confident today”
• Purple would be spiritual or at peace
• Turquoise would be tranquil (calm)
• Hot pink would just want attention
• Pink would be unconditional love
• White would be clean, pure or innocent
• Brown would be down to earth, real
• What color are you today?

Taking back your power

TAKING BACK YOUR POWER by Diane Webb, LCSW

• I can not change other people, only myself (although I can influence people by the way I react to them)

• I decide how I feel

• No one can make me happy but myself

• I generally get what I tolerate

• I am the only one who can change my life

• I am in charge of my life

• I do not have to explain myself

• I do not voice my fears

• I avoid sharing personal information

• I only trust people who have proven themselves trustworthy

• I can handle whatever comes my way (it doesn’t have to be gracefully)

• I can stand what I have to stand

• I always have a choice in how I react

• I am responsible for my feelings

• It’s safer being alone than it is being with certain people

Things We've Learned the Hard way

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THINGS WE’VE LEARNED THE HARD WAY

By Diane Webb (with a little help from Ray)

· You can’t carry a spider in a jar without a lid

· You can’t iron a nylon night gown

· You shouldn’t say “sic-um” to a bull dog unless you really mean it

· You can’t leave a horse tied to a door knob

· Sound “carries” in the woods so be careful what you say

· Make sure the phone is hung up really good before you start talking about the caller

· Don’t laugh when your mamma is spanking you

· If someone says “trust me” you better not

· You can’t wash the dirt off a sandwich

· Never wake a sleeping baby

· When you think the kids can’t hear you they really can

· “This week” or “next week” does not mean the same thing to everyone

· “A little late” can be anywhere from 5 minutes to 9 months

· Smaller switches hurt worse than bigger ones

· That paddle ball game will become your parent’s paddle when the ball comes off

· Don’t sniff an open can of snuff (that free sample that came in the mail)

· Don’t use food as a beauty product—even if it’s in a magazine (oatmeal facial, mayonnaise for your fingernails, beer in your hair)

· If a recipe starts out with “take 3 whole chickens” it’s probably going to be too much food (African Peanut Soup)

· If a recipe sounds horrible it probably is (Tuna-Taco Casserole)

· A store bought meatloaf will bounce when dropped

· “Unbreakable” plates will break

· You can’t let a pet deer run around the yard like a dog

· Don’t say “write your congressman” or hog the heater when your sister has a knife in her hand