The Ultimate Cheat Sheet on Relationships

1. Accept what you cannot change
2. Assume good intentions
3. You really don't know what they are thinking
4. It's not always about you
5. Ignore negatives
6. Anger boomerangs
7. You are not in charge
8. Love is an action verb
9. They like to hear you say it ("I love you")
10.Truth without kindness is brutality



14 Common Marriage Mistakes

1. Putting yourself first all the time (especially at the expense of your spouse)
2. Letting pride get in the way of making up
3. Thinking every difference must be resolved in some way
4. Trying to change the other person (even if it's for the better)
5. Focusing on what's wrong too much (not being thankful enough)
6. Being discouraging instead of encouraging (always pointing out the negatives)
7. Speaking too much when angry or just speaking insensitively in general
8. Comparing yourself, your spouse or your marriage to others
9. Putting work, money, or other people ahead of your marriage
10.Trying to impress others or maintain an image
11.Living a lifestyle you cannot afford
12.Keeping yourself too busy
13.Not nurturing the relationship consistently and persistently
14.Talking negatively about your spouse or your marriage to others

Greatest Joy

DO THE RIGHT THING

DO GOOD

IS IT LOVE?

THINGS MY MOTHER GOT RIGHT--by Diane Webb

She never told me I couldn't be what I wanted to be
(for Halloween or when I grew up)

She made my birthday and every Christmas special

She never said I couldn't have seconds, thirds or as much as I wanted to eat

She made sure I had a good education and valued learning

She taught me to never pass up an opportunity to learn or grow

She never said "I told you so" when she could have many, many times

She gave me freedom to be myself even when it had to be extremely annoying to her

She let me learn lessons the hard way but only when I insisted

She made sure I knew that being a female was not a handicap or barrier to success in any way

She made me believe I was just as important as anyone else in the world

She taught me I was no better or no worse than others regardless of wealth, social status, or race

She taught me that money did not define people's value or determine success

She taught me to fight for those who could not or would not fight for themselves

She did not allow me to give up or stop because I had failed or had made a terrible mistake

She did not let me know when we were poor

She made our meals wonderful even when she couldn't buy groceries

She put herself in debt sometimes to make sure I had things I wanted but did not really need

She made everything fun even when it was work

She always tried to give me a better chance and a better life than she had

She taught me to never back down and to always stand my ground for what I believed in

She taught me that "right is right and wrong is wrong all over the world"

She taught me that mothers are mothers because they are mothers and not because they will be understood, appreciated, or respected for it

She showed me what it really means to love someone "for better or worse, in sickness and in health, and for richer or poorer" (which applied to us children as well as our father)
I am so thankful to have had such a smart, strong, capable woman as a role model

I know how I feel by Diane Webb

I know how I feel
"It was just a joke"
I know that it hurt
"You're too sensitive"
I know what I heard
"You misunderstood"
I know what I know
"That's what I'm afraid of"
I know

Invisible (by Diane Webb)

INVISIBLE
By Diane Webb

It’s a strange feeling, being invisible.

You speak and no one answers.

You ask a question and no one hears.

You wave and no one sees.

People walk by.

You make eye contact and smile.

They look right through you.

They cannot see.

They do not know you are there.

 

At first I did not understand.

I did not know.

I thought I was being ignored.

Maybe people were rude.

But being ignored is different.

So is rudeness.

People have to know you are there.

To ignore you, I mean.

Or to be rude

Maybe I offended.

But, I could not think how.

It kept happening and I was confused.

Everyone could not be ignoring me.

I could not have offended so many.

I might be invisible, I thought.

What else could it be?

It sounds crazy but just maybe.

So I tested just to be sure.

I made a comment in a group.

It’s as if I never spoke.

I directed a question to a specific person.

Silence was my answer.

I wondered if I really spoke at all.

Maybe I just thought I said something.

So I tested again, and again.

In different situations;

With different people;

Still…the same result.

I wondered, Am I really here?

Maybe I am in a dream.

I pinched myself.

No.  I am awake.

Am I invisible or something?

Is that even possible?

What else could it be?

People talk to each other.

Just not to me.

People look at each other.

Just not at me.

People smile at each other.

Just not towards me.

And so it must be true, I think.

I am invisible is seems.

So now I know.

I accept.

My feelings don’t get hurt.

It’s not their fault.

They just can’t see me.

Right?

 

 

INCREASING INTIMACY & CLOSENESS by Diane Webb

INCREASING INTIMACY & CLOSENESS by Diane Webb

1.        Show your partner you care about them at least 5 x day (even when you are angry at each other)

2.       Spend no less than 10 minutes each and every day doing something with your partner (just the two of you)

3.       Institute a date night no less than once per month (once per week is better if money and time allows); NO CHILDREN ALLOWED ON DATE NIGHT

4.       Show manners & politeness to your partner (please, thank you, common courtesy)

5.       Give unexpected and random surprises to your partner (this can be doing something special for them unexpectedly, giving them a card or flowers, buying a small token as a gift, calling them on the phone just to let them know you are thinking about them)

6.       Listen to your partner (undivided attention) no less than 5 minutes per day

7.       Create an “agree to disagree” list and put on it anything you’ve argued about more than once and agree to never discuss it again (agree that you will never agree)

8.       Figure out ways to celebrate the differences between the two of you  and make these celebrations part of your normal routine

9.       Agree to make all decisions that affect your relationship together and base each of these decisions on what is best for your relationship

10.   Agree not to involve a 3^rd party in your relationship problems unless it’s a professional who is helping you improve your relationship

11.   Agree never to talk negatively to your partner or about your partner

12.   Agree to never try to change your partner

13.   Agree to say what you mean and mean what you say (no dropping hints, no guilt trips, no manipulations)

14.   Agree to always put your relationship first above self and others

15.   Agree to eliminate anything from your home and life if it interferes with your relationship with each other (TV, computer, drugs, alcohol, possessions)

16.   If apart during the day, speak with each other by phone or e-mail at least once per day

17.   Agree to eliminate blame of any kind

18.   Agree to eliminate mind-game-playing (trying to get your way at your partners expense)

19.   Agree to never bring up the past after it’s been discussed one time

20.   Agree to keep other people out of your relationship problems (unless it’s a professional counselor)

PLEASE LISTEN TO ME (Diane Webb)

Image by Steve Rhodes via Flickr

PLEASE LISTEN TO ME

By Diane Webb

I don’t usually share what I think or feel

It’s just a habit I guess

Sometimes I get excited and can’t stop myself

Like how moved I was by that sunrise this morning

Or the thing that tugged at my heart yesterday

Maybe something I read that spoke to me hard

This does not happen very often

Your response surprises me sometimes

I’m not always sure you hear me right

Maybe you don’t

I can’t really tell

I look for a clue you heard what I said

A sign you appreciate the significance

How hard it was for me to share

Not to be skipped over without a pause

While you go into talking about yourself

Your response is not always related to what I’ve said

Sometimes it is completely different

As if I never spoke at all

Often it’s a story from your life

Your own example

Which, maybe, what I said made you remember

Something special and important to you

I love to hear about you too

Because, after all

I care about you and I am honored

When you tell me about yourself

But sometimes

Just sometimes

I would like for you to hear about me

Things that undermine a marriage by Diane Webb

In no specific order:

• Verbal, physical, or emotional abuse
  
• Broken promises
  
• Secrets
  
• Dishonesty
  
• A friend of the opposite sex
• A suspicious or jealous nature
• Threatening to leave or divorce
• Telling your spouse to leave or divorce
• Talking negatively about your marriage to others
• Blame
• Selfishness
• Bad spending habits

Feel free to add to the list

Related articles by Zemanta

• Map shows US marriage and divorce rates (boingboing.net)
• Barbara Kay: Sticking it out in marriage is a good thing (network.nationalpost.com)

When helping is hurting (Diane Webb)

Image by batega via Flickr

-->

HELPING VERSUS RESCUING (in dealing with adults)

BY Diane Webb, LCSW

(Helping is good but rescuing is bad)

HELPING: Giving someone ideas or suggestions about how they might solve a problem or resolve a situation for themselves (they are still responsible for the problem or the solution)

RESCUING: Solving someone else's problem or providing a solution to someone else’s problem (taking responsibility for someone else's problem)

HELPING: It is always clear the problem is theirs and you are only offering suggestions or assistance

RESCUING: Their problem becomes your problem (and often they are completely relieved of the burden while you continue to struggle to find a solution)

HELPING: Suggests you believe they are capable of taking care of their self

RESCUING: Implies they could not do it without you

HELPING: Supports and encourages independence and confidence

RESCUING: Creates dependence and low self esteem

HELPING: You are free to say “no” or stay out of the situation

RESCUING: You do not have a choice or feel like you are obligated or responsible

HELPING: Causes you to feel relaxed, at ease, peaceful and appreciated

RESCUING: Causes you to feel tense, resentful, tricked, manipulated or taken advantage of

HELPING: You know it’s a gift from the heart and there are no emotional strings attached

RESCUING: There is an unspoken agreement that something is “owed” (emotional strings are attached)

HELPING: Is driven by compassion or unconditional love

RESCUING: Is driven by pity, guilt, manipulation or conditional love (you owe me something)

HELPING: “Here are a few things you might try”

RESCUING: “Let me try a few things for you and I’ll get back with you”

HELPING: “Here is a number you might want to call for help”

RESCUING: “I’ll call some people for you and get back with you”

HELPING: A hand-up

RESCUING: A hand-out

HELPING: A natural, human thing to do

RESCUING: A co-dependent, need-to-be-needed thing to do

Unconditional Love (Diane Webb)

-->

UNCONDITIONAL LOVE

By Diane Webb ©2008

I love you when things are going well

And when things are going badly

I love you when you hurt me

And when I hurt you

I love you when I don’t agree with you

And when you don’t agree with me

I love you on good days

And on bad days

I love you when you are loveable

And when you are unlovable

I love you when I act lovingly

And when I act unloving

When love is real…right…unconditional…

It doesn’t always make sense

It’s not always logical

It just is…

Real love is like God

You can’t always see it

You can’t always hear it

You can’t always feel it

You can’t always prove it

You just have to believe…

I love you

What teens & their parents need to know

Image by Funky64 (www.lucarossato.com) via Flickr

WHAT TEENS & THEIR PARENTS NEED TO KNOW
By Diane Webb

I wrote this for a grandmother and grandfather who were trying to finish raising an unruly granddaughter (16 years old). The granddaughter was running the home, had no boundaries, disrespected her grandparents, and was on the verge of being sent to YDC for truancy, running away, and other things. Unfortunately, the grandparents were not willing (or able) to implement these principles (or maybe it was too late by the time they tried). The young teen did end up being arrested and sent off for about 18 months. After getting out of YDC she reportedly was on drugs and living in a motel.

I don’t believe in abusing children by any means but I do believe it is our responsibility to discipline our children and teach them how to make good decisions. I think those of us raised in the seventies got carried away with trying to boost our children’s self-esteem and otherwise try to make it easier on our children as they were growing up. Unfortunately, we went too far I think in some ways and the current generation of young people are slightly (or greatly) spoiled and have a sense of entitlement. Children nowadays expect to be paid for helping around the house , expect a car on their 16th birthday (a new one not a used one), expect a cell phone on their 12th birthday, expect name-brand clothes, and etc… If I had to do it all over again with my two grown girls (who are fine women in spite of my failings), I would have not let them date at all until 18, and probably would not have handed them keys to a car they could call their own until 18 as well. With that being said, the following are the things teens & their parents need to know.

1. It does not have to be fair (life is not fair).
2. Families are not democracies.
3. Adults are in charge.
4. Adults make the decisions.
5. Adults do not owe children explanations.
6. Anything beyond basic food, shelter and clothing is a gift not an entitlement.
7. Disrespect earns punishment/consequences.
8. Any amount of disrespect needs to be punished.
9. If disrespect is a pattern, all extra privileges need to be revoked including spending money, computers, cars, stereos, phones, special-requested groceries/food items and not be returned until earned.
10. Physical punishments are not the best forms of punishment for teens. Usually, money, items and privileges are the best areas of punishment. Other ideas include: writing reports, writing sentences, writing definitions, doing extra chores, academic work-sheets, book reports, etc…
11. Punishments are best if a natural consequence of the mis-deed. For example, if a teen gets their ears pierced without permission then they could be placed on restriction until the piercing grows back up.
12. If a teen argues back about a punishment then that is a new punishment. Start with something small like a 300 word report then add words each time the child argues back.