Things that undermine a marriage by Diane Webb

In no specific order:

• Verbal, physical, or emotional abuse
  
• Broken promises
  
• Secrets
  
• Dishonesty
  
• A friend of the opposite sex
• A suspicious or jealous nature
• Threatening to leave or divorce
• Telling your spouse to leave or divorce
• Talking negatively about your marriage to others
• Blame
• Selfishness
• Bad spending habits

Feel free to add to the list

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Journaling Ideas by Diane Webb

Normally, with my clients,  I am opposed to journaling--especially for those who are depressed. I use to write only when I was mad, sad, or  upset.  What I ended up with was some very depressing journals which did not accurately reflect my life--it only showed the bad.  I ended up putting them all in bleach water then trashing them.  Over time I have discovered some positive and productive ways to use journaling.  Here are some ideas:
1.  Write each day what you are thankful for (at least 3 things per day)
2.  Write down your answered prayers
3.  Write down insights and inspirations
4.  Come up with themes to write about each week (past memories one week, favorite pets the next)
5.  If you do write bad or negative thoughts or feelings, make sure to balance them out with positives of at least an equal number if not more
6.  Write down what you love about different people in your life (a different person per day)
7.  Write down meaning ful Bible scriptures as you come across them
8.  Write about life lessons learned each day
9.  Write about your closest moment with God each day
10. Write things you have learned throughout your life that you want to pass on
11. Lists of favorites

Managing Grief in the Christmas Season by Diane Webb

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This time a year magnifies loss and grief for many people.  If you feel tight or heavy in your chest area, a lump in your throat, or headache through the temple area not related to medical conditions, you may be experiencing suppressed grief.  You may already  know you are grieving the  loss of a loved one during this Christmas season.  Following are some proactive things you can do to respect, acknowledge, honor, or process your grief related to a specific loss--especially the loss of a loved one.  The idea is to move through grief rather than avoid, suppress, or go around it.

• Write a letter to your loved one (not with the intent of actual communication but with the intent of closure), read it out loud then respectfully dispose of it; do not keep the letter.  You may need to do this several days in a row.  The first time may be difficult with more tightening of the chest or crying.  Just keep at it and it will get better each time.  I originally assigned this to a consumer who lost a baby to miscarriage.  The letter she writes is to her baby.  This is an especially good technique for women who have had abortions and are secretly living with the grief of regret.
• Create a new tradition that honors your loved one.  It does not have to be obvious and it can be a tradition only you know about.  If the loss pertains to the whole family the tradition can involve everyone.  Some examples include:  buying a special outfit for a needy child each year in honor of a child you lost, ringing the bell for Salvation Army each year in honor of your loved one, donating money to a specific charity each year  in honor of your loved one, hosting a dinner or gathering in honor of your loved one each year, baking bread or cakes and taking them to shut in's in honor of your loved one, or volunteering at a soup kitchen in honor of your loved one.
• If your grief is fresh, spend a specific time each day (5  minutes is enough) at a designated time for a specific length of time (5 minutes per day at 3PM for one week) to simply think about, remember, and miss your loved one.
• Created a  memory book or scrap book in honor of you loved one.
• Think of anything that leads to moving through the grief, letting go, moving on, or transferring the memory of your loved one from your head to your heart.
  

DO NOT:  Spend time talking directly to a deceased loved one as if they could really hear it.  Do not engage in rituals that have the intent of directly communicating with the dead.  These type of activities encourage a pathological clinging to the deceased in a way that intensifies the grief and prevents moving forward.

SPECIAL NOTE:  It is not unusual to see or hear a loved one after a death for about 2 weeks.  This is natural and is not to be feared.  On the other hand, if you are having this experience long after a death it is not natural and can be harmful to you emotionally or spiritually.  If this is happening to you I recommend seeing a minister or pastor you trust to discuss this with.

DREAMS:  I have noticed with some individuals they will have one dream or spiritual experience involving their deceased loved one.  The experience results in grief resolution instantly and the individual is able to move forward.  If this has happened to you--great.  On the other hand, to dream or have spiritual experiences involving your loved one that only result in increased grief, longing, or a desire to die--this is not natural or in your best interest.  This is another situation where you may want to speak with a trusted minister or pastor.

I hope you can benefit from some of these ideas or information.  If you know of other things that have helped you feel free to comment.  Grief is a very personal and difficult experience.  Most people appreciate suggestions for moving forward.